According to my last month's assessment, I failed on losing the three pounds I aimed at. Fair enough, I could say: I did not exercise more than usual and I had a week of training in an hotel with a buffet. But is that all there is in the equation? Exercise and eating habits? I believe not.
Most people would agree that feeling good inside, loving oneself is a first step to losing weight. Why do we eat so much? Why is it so difficult to resist a buffet, to get the energy, to feel empowered and in control of ourselves? Why does the mere though of restricting y food intake makes me hungry?
I like to know that other people care for me. But how much do I really care for myself?
Although I look like a confident person, I have periods of over-thinking, huge self-doubt and there are thins I definitely hate about myself. Well, it wouldn't hurt to start tackling that.
For one thing - I wish to live life fully. I'm afraid my life would end tomorrow and I would have missed on something. On Lyon sausages, on dolmas, on pasta con pesto, on chili con carne, on sex, on massages, on hitchhiking and learning languages. I've always been hungry for life, and holding on to what makes me feel things more intensely. Falling in love. Moving around. Bungee jumping. Hope. Idealism. Everything.
Another point worth considering: what I dislike about myself. I hate feeling like a slug because I'm not very fit. I hate my judeochristian upbringing which makes me feel guilty of having had a rich sex life. I hate that the first half of this sex life was mainly self-destructive, considering my past suicidal moods. I hate my cyclothymia. I hate separating from a lover, even if I don't really love him/her. I hate how ambiguous my financial situation is - and that I don't fit in the economical system, that it makes me feel so very uncomfortable. I hate the feeling of having lived so much and built so little.
Pfew.
I think it could be worse. This first portrait of that I crave and what I hate about myself isn't all that bad.
For once, I believe my normal approach is useless here. I can't just list the things I will need to correct, make plans about when to train, list my food intake, go on rationally about the most systematic way to lose 3 pounds. It won't work, it never did. I think it has to be acted in a more organic, holistic way.
I gotta love myself.
What do I love about myself ? I love that I'm inspiring to people, even when I feel bad. I'm an extremely authentic person. I might seem like I'm over-analytical, but I actually love that side of me, trying to learn from all circumstances of my life. I love transmitting my knowledge and subtly learning from people of all walks of life. I love my breasts and my shoulders, I think they are awesome ! I love that I look great even without hair. I love that I talk a lot but know how to listen. I like that I chose my lifestyle and strive for consistency. I love that I have a remarkable memory.
I gotta hate myself less.
I guess that one's harder, left aside that I already nailed many things I hate a few paragraphs ago. I'm not such a slug - I learned how to run barefoot and even ran 10 km in a row last summer. I once trained to swim 1,5 km in a row. I can carry people on my back, I feel proud to do it and demonstrate my strength. My sex live makes me now a good lover, a communicator, an initiatory priestess. I eased a lot of my past lovers fears... My cyclothymia still drives my rhythms, but it's mostly under control. My last suicide attempt dates from over 10 years and although I have lived a second major depressive episode since, I overcame it with patience. I'm currently investing time in my longest love relationship in.. well, to be honest, I think longest ever without a break. I'm currently paying back my student loan and trying to build a stream of income through writing and conferences - things I both really enjoy doing. For once I am determined to build something, I'm committed to these projects.
I don't know if writing these things will help me lighten my waist and thighs. But what I'm sure of is that I already feel a wee bit lighter.
And proud.
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2 commentaires:
Or the way I usually like to put it: make peace with yourself.
This is actually something I've been meaning to say to you for a while, and especially since your previous English-speaking blog post (but I would have felt too much of an intruder leaving a comment to that one). It's probably the best piece of advice I can ever hope to give you (because I don't know nearly enough about life to be able to give advice to others, but hey, at least I know this much).
So yeah, make peace with yourself. We all have stuff we don't like about ourselves, and it's always the case that you're your own harshest judge. But try to let it go. What if it were another person that we're talking about? You still hang out / like / love other people even though sometimes they might have some serious flaws, right? Just accept them for what they are? Well, how about adopting the same standards for this one person too — you! Don't be so hard on her, cut her a little slack. Accept her for who she is, flawed as she may be.
Of course by accepting yourself I certainly don't mean giving up on self-improvement. Far from it. But that's something that can still be done without the guilt and without the shame.
And yes, the guilt, since you mentioned it: try to get rid of that too. Long-term guilt is a terrible thing to live by, it's such a crippling emotion isn't it? The Catholic Church knew what it was doing by the way, guilt is the main control mechanism that they employ, and they take advantage of it to the fullest. It's no accident that anything enjoyable is a sin for the Catholic Church — especially sex, since it's something we're all genetically predisposed to seek out. This way everyone's a sinner, and thus everyone feels guilty, and of course who's the gatekeeper to heaven and forgiveness? Hats off to them really. ;^)
For me actually, perhaps due to my anarchist background, realizing the role of guilt within control structures was enough to make me reject it wholesale in a fit of rage and indignation. But that's how my brain works: I might be too rational for my own good, but sometimes it does work in my favour. :^)
Again, by relinquishing guilt I don't mean that one should become a total arsehole. We all make mistakes (some of us with alarming frequency), and for sure when we realize that we did it's good to try and make things right, and/or apologize. And then move on. Hm, that might be another reason why I had to do away with long-term guilt: if I still felt guilty for every single mistake I've made, my head would probably explode.
Anyway, I'm starting to realize now that this might have turned out to be a wee bit too preachy, which wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'm not trying to claim to have the answers to life, the universe and everything, and in any case you probably know me well enough to know that I certainly don't. But I have managed to reach a few realizations after all these years of stumbling blindly in the dark, and I'm only happy to share if I feel they will help others too. If only people shared theirs with me more often...
Vasilis xx
Thanks for your comment, vvas. I was actually re-reading my post when you commented and it just felt like a natural conversation.
I don't think you sound too preachy, but I do think my current process and your advice are in line. Part of my process of making peace with myself is about writing down, acknowledging all that criticism I could be giving to a boyfriend, a soon-to-be-ex, a recently-ex... or myself... but that I would never do to a friend.
The few (many) people that dared to date me know that : I'm hard on them, I'm hard on myself. But this can be insane... As an example, most of the time when I get out of a relationship, my ex-partner transform their life, like if by releasing the pressure I put on them they actually finally manage to bloom. That's the way I work as an inspirer (are you kidding me ? a bulldozer !)
Acknowledging myself as I am is a first step in this process. Caring for myself, befriending myself... That's a long term challenge.
I like that you invoke your anarchist background in your comment. And that'd make a great slogan right ? "Slim down, choose ANARCHY !" :)
Ok enough rambling, I've got push ups to do...
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