I eventually cried

As it is done now, can it only go better ?

The whole thing hit me on my way down. My usual ups and downs are not related to outside events, but they can be exacerbated by stress. And I suppose I have experienced some (di-)stress lately. So my whole dark palette of feelings is painting my world blue.

I'm not well. I feel worthless. I feel ugly and undesirable. I feel needy and annoying. I feel slutty and abused. I feel like a child, I need to shout: "Why the hell did you do this?" But all I would hear back in echo. All I would hear back is betrayal.

And I know these feelings are not gonna last. I know they will fade. I won't forget your name right away. But I started forgetting the nice times we had. I started to blur you in my memories. I don't have time nor strength to waste on hating someone - therefore I must forget or forgive. In this specific case, forgetting would be more reasonable. Then I'll have this blog post to remind me.

So I eventually cried, 10 minutes ago. The abandon, the weird dreams I had lately. The desire to love and to be loved. The feeling I could never fall in love with you because you don't inspire me. The fact that I am a reasonable person. The fact that my life is all exposed and lived on the Internet. Kilimandjaro with Bernard next year. The child that I will never bear. My dog that I miss so much - that I gave up along with a sedentary lifestyle. My life in Trois-Rivières. My old car, "Heart of gold".

It made me imagine myself, lonely in the middle of a crowd. The last time I got really angry, in Switzerland, in front of a guy I helplessly loved. Now I'm lonely in the middle of the tundra, under a full moon and an aqsarniit. And I'm angry again and I don't like myself that way. So I get sad and sob and forget and blur it.

So many people deserve to be loved on this planet. But I just can't love someone who doesn't inspire me.

It was contaminated, it got mouldy, it expired.

And this time, I won't dumpster dive.